barrel takes a neutral article in german- das Barrel

in jemand verknallt sein = to have a crush on someone
I'm so excited, somebody has a crush on me! Actually, he said he's in love. His name is Jonathan and he's pretty cute. He might be a bit young for me though- he's 6.

"'Sometimes, there's no harm in putting off a piece of work until another day. But when it is a matter of baobabs, that always means a catastrophe...' 'Children,' I say plainly, 'watch out for the baobabs!'"
The Little Prince

bill bryson pisses me off. it is absolutely disgusting the way he portrays america and americans to the brits. i mean, i complain about the usa all the time, but i don't write and sell books to the british dissing my own country. he should be ashamed of himself for telling europeans that the u.s. actually is as bad as their stereotypes portray it. as an american living abroad one would think that he'd have some compassion on the others in his situation. now i know who to blame for the fact that i often hear, "oh, but you're not very american." i'm sorry, my american flag t-shirt is in the laundry and my huge ass is taking a day off.

everytime i have time for blogging i can't remember what i wanted to write. it's when i'm almost asleep and to tired to get up that i think of the most amazing things to write.
it's wierd how i suddenly go from being excited about my very full life, to feeling crap about the emptiness of my non-linear life. i'm confused because concrete linear lives are really boring to me, but looking at an intangible scattered life feels like chasing a soap bubble, catching it and ending up with nothing.

saved by the sunshine holes. fell asleep fighting the may coldness in my bikini under a duvet on the balcony. i won i think.

check out the new pics i've posted on Flickr.

just found out that it is possible to get kicked out of a berlin cafe for spending too much time and not enough money. =/

i feel so much better than yesterday! my drawing sesh today was satisfying. i'm quite excited to see how much i've improved over the past three weeks. and i took loads of windmill pictures today. the sky was crazy.

i'm sad. sad for me. sad for my ex-lover. for how he's changed. for how frightened i've become. the mischievousness i loved so much hardly ever flickers in his eyes now. my belly is burning inside. he's as beautiful as ever, but i don't love him. i don't even know who he is. maybe he has changed that much, or maybe I just didn't see who he was because i was so blinded by my lust for him. it's like having intense and real feelings in a dream and then waking up and realizing the situation was all an invention of my own.
i'm sad because i've lost him, not as a lover, but part of him is gone forever. part of my innocence is also lost. most of the time i am happy to see the way i am developing as i get older, but then i am sad when i see how naive i once was and how much i don't do now in order to keep from getting hurt. before i had ever been hurt i didn't even know what to be afraid of. now i am petrified by my fear.